Monthly Archives: January 2016

Prince of Exile, 9

We crested a rise and dropped into a tiny, high cirque, sheltered from the wind, south facing, and filled with grass and flowers. There we found another Holy Man. He sat beside the road, winding a necklace of roses, carefully breaking off each thorn. His clothing was finely spun wool, woven in a clever pattern, that strained to cover his bountiful girth. He had no hut, but had planted bushes to enclose a space of sweet grass for his sleeping.

The Prince leaned down from his mount and studied the Holy Man. Sweet fragrance rose up around him. He said, “I am a traveler from a far, strange place. Who are you?”

“One who lives fully,” the Holy Man replied.

The Prince asked, “What is the ultimate truth?”

The Holy Man replied without hesitation, “No true story ever ends.”

The Prince paid the man for his wisdom with a flask of sweet wine. We moved on, only a little enlightened.

*****

We came into a high meadow. There beside the road was a small house of native stone, cunningly built, strong against the harsh winters of that place. There was a man in the yard, scraping the skin of some hairy beast with a knife. His face was familiar, but we had not seen sweat on it until now. He looked up from his work, stretched, and walked over to the low fence that separated his land from the wild lands around him. The Prince saluted him politely and smiled. The man smiled back and said, “I see questions in your face. You have seen my two brothers, of course?”

“Many times, in many places,” the Prince replied.

The man sighed and said, “No doubt.”

“Are you a Holy Man?”

The man answered, “Those who say they are, are not. Those who say they are not, frequently are. I’ll just say, ‘Not particularly’.”

The Prince smiled widely and asked further, “What is the ultimate truth?”

The man replied, “Every true story ends in death, yet no true story ever ends. Both statements are correct, and all wisdom lies in trying to reconcile them. If there is more Truth than that, I have not discovered it.”

There was silence for a space as the autumn wind blew through the yard. The man went on, “Prince, for I see who you are, will you step down and break bread with me?”

The Prince shook his head a little sadly. “Would that I could, but my duties are many and my time is not my own. You do not need me.”

“Not needing you, I would welcome your company all the more.”

“And I yours. But it is not to be.”

We moved on, with our spirits a little lightened. more tomorrow

79. Death to the Five Part Paragraph

yol 7 If you are a writer, a teacher, a parent, or a student, don’t back off because the title seems beneath your interest. This is Basic BS 101.

Your Own Language, 7:
Death to the five part paragraph!

Here is your zen koan for the day – how do you teach that which cannot be taught?

Answer: you make up arbitrary rules which seem to cover the situation, then teach the rules instead of the unteachable thing.

I speak, of course, of the five sentence paragraph, a structure found in every middle school classroom, but which exists nowhere in nature.

At one point in my teaching career I was preparing a program which was to teach writing by analyzing the writing in students’ science and history textbooks. I performed an experiment to confirm a suspicion. I went to my bookshelf, chose five non-fiction books at random, chose a page and a paragraph in each at random, and analyzed the result.

The only book that followed the format taught in middle school was How to Hang Drywall. It was written by a drywall contractor and was probably the only book he ever wrote. I could visualize him digging out his old textbooks for guidance before beginning to write. To be fair, it was full of accurate information. I had followed his instructions (that’s why the book was in my library)  and my drywall stayed up; but it was excruciatingly dull, and it didn’t need to be.

There is another related old chestnut: tell them what you are going to tell them, tell them, then tell them what you just told them. This is the five part paragraph with pontoons on both sides to keep it from sinking.

I don’t see this in print too often: if you do, maybe you’re reading the wrong kind of book. I do see it every Saturday morning on PBS in the show Woodsmith Shop. Like the drywall book, this is the product of intelligent men – professionals who are not professional writers – presenting what they know, but following rules that are not serving them well..

The wonder is that the book and the TV program work as well as they do, given the teacher generated chestnuts they had to work with.

Here is a five sentence paragraph following a format popular in middle schools:

  • topic sentence
  • supporting sentence
  • supporting sentence
  • supporting sentence
  • recapitulation or close

I got ready for school this morning. I brushed my teeth. Then I took a shower. Finally I put on my school clothes. Then I was ready for my day.

Wow, exciting! Actually, that wasn’t a paragraph at all. It was a mini-essay, and an exceedingly boring one at that.

A paragraph is a piece of a larger work. It tells part of the story. It should have some internal consistency, but it is not independent. It introduces a thought or carries on the thought begun in earlier paragraphs.

That’s it. There are no other rules.

You can’t teach a student to write a paragraph. A paragraph does not and cannot exist. When teacher’s try to teach a paragraph, they are actually teaching mini-essays, and doing a poor job of that.

Take a two page essay, sans indentation. Break it into four paragraphs. Now take the same essay and break it into ten paragraphs. The former will sound formal, the latter will sound breezy.

Paragraphs can determine tone, can help keep our thoughts and understandings organized, and give us places to breathe. Where we break essays and stories into paragraphs is determined by the tone we want to achieve, and by the content of the work.

There are no other rules. Teachers who create artificial formulas to give themselves something to teach strangle the minds of their students.

Prince of Exile, 8

4.

When we left the inn the next morning, I avoided Satyr so I would not have to look at his self-satisfied face. As we were preparing to mount, Greyleaf said to the Prince, “Is it not yet time? Has he not yet passed your tests?”

“They are not my tests,” the Prince answered.

“I feel his pain every day.”

“So do I.”

“It is not right!”

“Many things are not. But life is . . . incisive. Nevertheless, I think you are right. We will turn in that direction.”

Harrow came out with a horn of ale to drink a stirrup cup with the Prince. When they had made a toast of easy journey and swift return, the Prince said, “You wear a troubled face, old friend. What is the matter?”

“T’slalas, the young man who came in with you yesterday, is ill. His face is blotched with fever and he breathes like a man at the end of a race.”

The Prince nodded.

“You understand, Prince, that illness is an innkeeper’s greatest enemy. Any guest that comes through my door may carry death for all.”

Satyr raised a hair-winged eyebrow in irony, but the Prince simply said, “Harrow, I give you my word, the illness that T’slalas carries is not contagious. At least, not in any sense that you would understand. That which taints him, you and yours will never suffer from, good old man.”

“Can you help him?”

“Whatever I have for him, I have already given.”

*****

For three days we crossed the plain, heavy with harvest, sweet with the smell of new mown hay, rich with peasant life.  The Prince did many things I have not his leave to record.

On the fourth day we reached the foothills, and on the eighth day we were high among tortured boulders where the trees are sparse and twisted.

There we came upon a Holy Man. He sat clad in rags and half cured skins, announcing his holiness at a hundred paces by the smell of him. He had erected a hut of bones, and sat moving his dirty fingers over the crown of a skull, as a maid would polish a fine brass bowl.

The Prince leaned down from his mount and studied the Holy Man, showing no discomfort at the miasma that surrounded him. He said, “I am a traveler from a far, strange place. Who are you?”

The Holy man did not answer. He only polished the skull and stared at the Prince out of hollow eyes.

The Prince said, “What is the ultimate truth?”

The Holy Man replied without hesitation, “Every true story ends in death.”

The Prince nodded politely and paid the man for his wisdom with an ornate dagger. We moved on, only a little enlightened. more tomorrow

78. Who Decides?

yol 6Your Own Language: Who Decides?

Who decides which version of English we speak? The list is long, but English teachers are not on it.

Everyone has a mental picture of teachers, good or bad, loving or fearful, and as small children we usually think of them as powerful beings. Teachers know better. They are the functionaries of a massive bureaucracy. They are told what to teach and what not to teach, out of textbooks they have no power to change. The only thing that keeps them from being serfs is that the same incompetence that characterizes the entire educational establishment extends to an incompetence at commanding obedience.

Teachers are told what to do, and then, sometimes for good and sometimes for ill, they do what they can get away with.

Preachers used to have a powerful influence on language. You couldn’t say damn or hell in school. You still can’t say shit, although, merde, the Aussies say it all the time. Today preachers have been replaced by the purveyors of political correctness. Even thirty years ago, when I first began teaching, one of our textbooks had modified Tom Sawyer by changing Injun Joe’s name to Outlaw Joe. Need I say that it has gotten worse since then?

We have to decide for ourselves what to accept and what to reject out of what the world hands us. To a large extent, we all have to be self-educated.

I learned that early. I spent my first eight years in a tiny school where there were two grades per teacher. Half of each school day was under instruction; the other half was spent doing independent work while the teacher taught the other grade. By the time I reached high school I had developed self-reliance, and I had come to the conclusion that none of my teachers knew enough to teach me all I wanted to know. That was particularly true in English.

I didn’t want to talk like an Okie. More importantly, I couldn’t afford to if I was going to escape to the intellectual life I wanted. My salvation was Strunk and White’s Elements of Style, which I read as a counterbalance to the simple mindedness of my textbooks. S and W was dated, even then, and is in considerable disrepute today. A glance at Wiki finds it to have a “toxic mix of purism, atavism, and personal eccentricity” and to be “the best book available on writing good English”. Strong opinions do tend to polarize, but at least they were the prissy opinions of learned men. There weren’t too many leaned men in Talala, Oklahoma. Besides, I was already arrogant enough to ignore anything I didn’t find palatable.

Writers have always been arbiters of English, but which writers? We would all like to sound like Shakespeare but, zounds and forsooth, who would listen if we actually did? If you want to write romances (God forgive you) you will need to master the rippling muscles and heaving bosoms style. If you want to sound like Hemingway, you will have to take a magic marker and scratch out all the adjectives in your dictionary. Even hard boiled writers eventually get tired of terseness. Robert Parker put these words into tough guy Spencer’s mouth, “I felt like I was trapped in a Hemingway short story. If I got any more cryptic I wouldn’t be able to talk at all.”

There are no infallible rules, grammatical or otherwise. That doesn’t mean anything goes. Somewhere in between rigidity and chaos, you will have to find your particular brand of English. And you had better choose well, because that (among many other things) will determine who is willing to listen to you.

Prince of Exile, 7

The Prince move, snake quick, and skewered the ruffian like an empty coat nailed to the wall.

Then the Prince withdrew his sword, and the body fell, still disgorging blood onto the floor. The Prince touched him gently with his sword tip at the shoulder and said, “He never learns.”

Blood detached itself from the sword in heavy droplets and fell until the blade was clean. Slowly, the sword ceased to moan.

The Prince reached down to where the casket had fallen and returned to the table. T’slalas had come back from relieving himself. His face was pale as he looked narrowly at the Prince. The Prince placed the casket before him. It was cunningly devised, but the oak from which it was made had discolored with age and the brass of its hardware was green with corrosion. Spidersilk clotted the catch.

T’slalas’ eyes slowly left the Prince’s face and settled on the casket. The Prince said, “What do you see?”

Ferret eyes glanced up, seeking the jest. T’slalas said, “I see what is before me, a casket of gold, chased in silver, but locked with a key of brass.”

The Prince nodded slowly.

“Open it.”

Again, T’slalas hesitated, and again his greed overcame him. He fumbled with the catch and threw open the lid. A foul odor spread from inside, but T’slalas’ smile was as wide as a river. He raised his eyes to the Prince, and the Prince said, “It is yours.”

The casket was filled with ashes, and misshapen lumps of ivory-grey that were half burned bones. T’slalas grasped a handful of ashes and let it trickle through his fingers. His face was full of joy and cunning. He said to the Prince, “These jewels are a King’s ransom.”

Sudden anger crossed the Prince’s face and he said, “What would you know of the price of a King?”

T’slalas never saw the anger or heard the words. He had forgotten the Prince altogether as he sat sifting ashes through his fingers, and seeing jewels.

3.

As the weeks of late summer rolled by, the King clung to a life that had grown hateful to him. Every hour his body was filled with pain. Yet he hung on, for surrender was a skill he had never learned. For eighteen years since his wife’s death, he had never known a day without loneliness. He had not given in to loneliness, and now he would not give audience to death.

Every day, the priest Croayl called for his repentance, and every day the King cursed him.

“You have made the rivers run with blood,” Croayl said.

“I have defended my lands and my people,” the King replied. “Because of me, you are alive. Who are you to whimper like a virgin at what it takes to hold a kingdom?”

“You have lain with women who were not your wife; you have sired bastards; you have drunk to excess; you have lusted . . .”

“Yes,” the King cried, “and if I could raise myself from this bed, I would do it again.” more tomorrow

77. Adverbially Farewell

yol 5Your Own Language, 5: Adverbially Farewell

I am here to present a eulogy to an old and treasured friend, the suffix -ly.

As adversity separates the men from the boys, the suffix -ly separates the adverbs from the adjectives. At least, it used to.

As a matter of full disclosure, I am not a linguist. I am fascinated by languages, but I haven’t taken the time to learn them. I once spoke two semesters worth of Hindi and I can still embarrass myself in German, but my studies have mostly been as an onlooker. I have read several dozen books purporting to explain linguistics, but books by real linguists make tensor calculus look easy.

Still, I can expound on the really low level stuff.

Two factors are at work in language, position and word endings. Latin was not positional. Veni, vidi, vici (I came, I saw, I conquered) could be stated in any word order without losing meaning because the form of each word defines its function.

English can be positional. If we say the boy ate the dog, we assume it was a hot dog because word order tells us who was the eater and who was the eaten. If we said the flic ate the flak, we don’t need a dictionary to know who did the eating; word order tells us.

But I also said eater and eaten. These are constructions which depend on endings, not word order. English swings both ways. If I say the eater ate the eaten, we all say, “So what?” But if I say the eaten ate the eater, I am speaking nonsense. Or maybe I meant that the one who is usually the eaten ate the one who is usually the eater, in which case we know we have witnessed an ironic reversal of circumstances.

It can be complicated, but let’s keep it simple. Adverbs typically end in -ly; adjectives don’t. (Ugly is the exception).

Here are three quick nonsense examples, quickly presented. (Okay, four.)

  • “The rapid river flowed rapidly through the canyon.”
  • “The beautiful sunset reflected beautifully off the cathedral.”
  • “The angry citizen spoke angrily to his Congressman.”

Once upon a time and place, say Oklahoma in 1962, teachers taught this distinction and expected student to know it. Even then, however, only word nerds like me continued to make the distinction after the ink had dried on the final exam.

Apparently anchormen never got the word. Ad men say whatever they want, truth and grammar notwithstanding, so they don’t count.

In 2016, if I hear someone making the distinction between adjective and adverb, my ears perk up, it is so unexpected.

I think it is fair to say that Steve Jobs drove the final nail in the coffin. When he urged us all to “Think different”, he made it official that even smart guys don’t need grammar. Now anyone who puts up a sign reading “Shop local” can say, “If it is good enough for Jobs . . .“

Okay, true confession. This isn’t actually the rant it appears to be. I will continue to fight the battle of the adverb personally, but the war is over, and I know it.

Actually, it probably doesn’t matter. I know what Jobs means from context and word order. Losing the -ly ending probably won’t make any difference in the English language. It is just one of the natural ongoing changes that occur in all languages.

Once, in post 53, I said that, as users of the English language facing change, we have only one obligation. If the change is stupid, don’t use it. The loss of -ly isn’t stupid. It just hurts my ears.

Prince of Exile, 6

“Are you my fate?” the ruffian asked, as he scooped up the ebony casket with a sneer.”

“I am not,” I said, “but I assure you most solemnly that your fate is at hand.”

His fist closed tighter about the alabaster casket and he turned toward the door.

The Prince of Exile stood before him.

For a moment, I thought he would lay the casket aside. For another moment, I thought he would try to bluster or to conceal his intentions, but the look on the Prince’s face put him to shame.

He drew his sword, and the Prince copied his action, two smooth swinging arcs of steel coming up bright and ready from their sheaths, two smoothly functioning warrior’s bodies coming into tension, poised to guard or strike. The ruffian lowered his blade and moved forward on cat feet, pressing the point toward the Prince; not lunging, but testing his resolve. The Prince in turn lowered his blade fractionally and gave no ground. Their points touched at long reach, and the Prince said, “You can still withdraw. Set aside the casket and you may leave unharmed.”

“How often does a man like me see a treasure like this for the taking? I will not give it up.”

There was a sound like wind. I knew that sound.

“Is it a finer treasure,” the Prince asked softly, “than sunshine after a rain, or the warmth of a bedmate at day’s end? Is it a treasure you would die for?”

T’slalas had thought there was innocence in the Prince’s face; now this ruffian thought he saw weakness there. He laughed coarsely and said, “Die for it? I might kill for it.”

The sound grew louder, like the moaning of an animal in pain. It brought uneasiness to the ruffian’s face, and he cast his eyes around, seeking its source.

The sword in the Prince’s hand began to quiver and twitch with a life of its own. It shied away from contact with the ruffian’s blade, and as the Prince brought it back into line, it sobbed.

The ruffian began to look strained about the eyes, but he had gone too far to back away.

Nothing kills more surely than pride.

Now the Prince had lost all aspect of softness. His face had hardened, and there was neither jest nor yielding in him.  “It is a strange, unhungry sword,” he said. “It hates me when I compel it to its duty.”

The ruffian swallowed hard, and would have spoken, but the Prince was done with talking. “You have made your choice,” he snapped, “now back it up, or go away to become a different man than you have ever been. Do as you will, but do it now!”

The swords drew light from the dying fire, and gave back the reflection of blood. The ruffian dropped his point fractionally, as if in indecision, then thrust. The Prince turned the blade and wrote a penstroke across the ruffian’s face from brow to cheek, cutting to the bone. He screamed and leaped backward, one eye split and useless, the other staring at death. The Prince paused, his eyes empty. He said, “The choice was yours.” Then he moved again, snake quick, and skewered the ruffian with such force that the blade went through him and into the door frame. The dying man quivered for a heartbeat then went limp and hung from the sword like an empty coat nailed to the wall. more tomorrow

Prince of Exile, 5

Time passed. The bones of the night were chewed down by T’slalas’ mellow, ceaseless voice until all our company but Greyleaf, T’slalas, and the Prince had drifted off to their beds. I had moved away from the three of them to take the last warmth from the dying fire. At first the ruffian across the way had drunk ale to kill the time, and I had hoped that he would fall into drunkenness and forget the casket. When he pushed his mug aside and sat back in sullen patience, I knew that he was lost.

Greyleaf saw it too, but it merely amused her. Then, late in the night, there came a stifled noise and everyone in the room jerked into sudden watchfulness – followed by embarrassment as we all realized that it had been Tian’s squeal of pleasure, somewhere within the inn where she had disappeared with Satyr an hour before.

In that moment I caught Greyleaf’s eye and saw a tenderness there which I had not known she possessed. She rose suddenly and glided smoothly over to the ruffian.

She reached out her hand, placed long fingers beneath his chin, and tilted his face up to gaze directly into hers. Her voice was silken as she spoke.

“There is a river,” she said, “that flows over smooth rocks, swift and shallow. In the hottest summer it is cool and refreshing. It lies south from here; you could reach it in a week. In the spring, young women from the nearby villages come to wash out the clothing that has grown musty over the long winter. For two days they scamper naked through the water, playing at washing their clothes, and during all that time, the young men of the villages stay hidden in the trees above the river watching. Of course the girls know that they are there, but they never let on, never cover themselves, or show the slightest modesty. That would spoil the game.”

The ruffian shook his head as if to clear it of the spell she was weaving with her words. “What is that to me?” he demanded.

“Remember that stream, and those young women if you are tempted to sell your life cheaply,” Greyleaf replied. “Remember how good life is.”

“Will you go to that river with me?” he asked, mistaking her. Then he recoiled as all compassion went out of her face, and she spelled out the icy depths of her soul by the tightening of her eyes and the narrowing of her brow. She swept past him into the back of the inn, abandoning him to his fate.

I knew that she would not think of him again.

“Where does a man go to relieve himself?” T’slalas asked, ignoring the by-play.

“Come. I’ll join you,” the Prince replied.

They followed Greyleaf. The ruffian watched them go; he gazed at the dark doorway out which they had disappeared, drummed the table top with his fingers, picked up his sheathed sword and put it on the table top, slid it back into his lap. Finally he rose and belted on the sword, then turned with badly feigned casualness and reached out for the casket of ebony and bone.

He stopped dead when he saw me sitting by the fire, watching him in silence. Greyleaf has so shaken him that he had forgotten all about me. His eyes traveled over me as he estimated my skills. Then he scooped up the casket with a sneer and said, “Stop me if you can.”

“The lady who spoke to you,” I said, “is called Greyleaf. I advise you to heed her warning.”

“Are you my fate?” he asked, half sneering, half in genuine curiosity. more tomorrow

76. What is Language?

yol 4Your Own Language, 4: What is Language

The last thing I said in post 73 was that if you want to write, you have to create your own version of English. That seems insane on the face of it. Create your own version of English? Why not just use the real thing?

Because there is no such thing as the real thing. I pity the teachers who have to teach “proper” English because that beast does not exist in the wild, and attempts to create it in the laboratory have all failed.

Language, like history, is a product of the winners. You people in New England; why do you think you don’t eat grits, and say ain’t and y’all? It is entirely because Pickett’s charge failed at the Battle of Gettysburg.

No one does linguistic imperialism as well as the English. I didn’t say British. Great Britain consists of England and three other historic countries which were conquered and welded onto England against their will, and whose languages were crushed by the conquerors.

America gained its independence late in this process. English was already the dominant language and its dialects were dispersed throughout America to morph into the dialects we still have. (see post 12) Conquered languages like Gaelic and Scots survived in the backcountry of Britain to see a resurgence in the last fifty years, but died quickly in America.

After American independence, the languages of the two countries diverged until George Bernard Shaw was able to quip, “England and America are two countries separated by a common language.” Part of the divergence was due to American adoption of Amerindian, African, and Spanish vocabulary, part was natural drift, and part of it was the rise of industrialism in both countries before rapid international communication was common. To put it another way, American cars have hoods and trunks instead of bonnets and boots because cars were invented after 1776 and before the internet.

The French have a government agency designed to regulate proper French. It doesn’t work. Ordinary Frenchmen disregard it, but the bureaucrats still try. Britain attempts to unify and codify it’s many dialects and languages through its public schools. At many times in Britain’s history, in-school use of dialects that deviated from governmentally supported norms was severely punished.

That wouldn’t work in America. If a teacher from London had had the misfortune of landing in the Oklahoma of my childhood, the local farmers would have taken him aside to say, “You’re from England, why the Hell can’t you speak English.” This line would have been delivered in an Okie accent that the Londoner probably would not have understood.

All of this leads to the question, “Who is in charge of our language?”, but that requires a post of its own, next Tuesday, after we attend a funeral on Monday.

Prince of Exile, 4

Satyr joined us in the yard before the inn. He had hidden the form and face he showed to his companions behind a subtle web of illusion that would fool the touch as well as the eye. Now his eyes and hair were coal black; his face was less narrow and coldly beautiful. His arms and legs, no longer clad in bristly hair, were sleek and firm and he wore a medallion of gold against the pure white of his shirt. He had traded hooves for booted feet.

The inn was very much like the one I had known of old. The ceiling was perhaps two years thicker with soot and the floor was perhaps somewhat cleaner. The rough plank tables were the same and old Harrow the innkeeper was a timeless, jovial imp. The Prince bowed to him, flustering him entirely, and the old man bustled about setting tables together with the aid of his hulking, towheaded son. The thief stayed close to the Prince, as if he were a favored member of our company. I thought he never would be.

Tian came out to take our orders and I remembered her, though she had not yet come to her womanhood when I saw her last. Now she had. Satyr and I exchanged glances and I knew that her blooming would not go unappreciated, or unsampled.

The Prince settled himself into the embrace of a woven ash chair that had been brought from an inner room for him.  The rest of us sat on benches. The Prince loosened his sash and hung it across the back of his chair, along with his cloak, and placed on the table a small casket that had been bound up in the sash. It was of gold and onyx, no longer than the breadth of his palm, but of exquisite workmanship. The catch was cast in the shape of a tiny boar’s head and it stood on tiny gold porcine hooves.

Harrow and Tian brought food. As we ate, we were watched by those who shared the common room. One in particular caught my eye; a bearded ruffian in shabby tunic and hose. He kept a sword in sheath leaning close at hand as he drank in silence, a little way withdrawn from the farmers and merchants who filled the inn. His entire being was concentrated on the casket the Prince had set out so carelessly.

I had thought that it was bait for the bland thief, but the Prince’s ways are beyond my understanding. It may have been for this ruffian that we had returned to Gleian Ellerick.

The thief we had met on the road called himself T’slalas. His voice was pleasantly modulated; it was a joy to hear him speak even though I didn’t believe a word he said. Tian wandered in and drew up a stool to listen and steal sly glances at Satyr. The Prince seemed to give his full attention to T’slalas, but he was quite aware of the ruffian across the room.

The olivewood casket with feet of brass stood mute in the middle of the table and seemed forgotten, but the ruffian’s eyes never left it. There was familiarity and inevitability in it all. more tomorrow