Category Archives: A Writing Life

42. The Other Veterans

300px-USMA_Color_Guard_on_ParadeVeteran’s Day is tomorrow, but I have three more posts on the subject, so this is coming early.

I am an American; I vote. During my nearly thirty year career as a school teacher, I always went to the polls early and wore my ”I have voted, have you?” sticker throughout the day. Children would ask me, “Who did you vote for?” I never told them. Sometimes they would ask me, “Are you a Democrat or a Republican?” I never told them.

Teachers have a responsibility to be involved and have political opinions, because they are citizens. But they also have a responsibility to avoid shoving those opinions down the throats of their captive audience.

I am one of the other veterans, the ones who went, did their job, and moved on. I don’t march in parades. I love America, but I still have a love/hate relationship with the flag. It stands for aspirations toward universal freedom, and when I think of it like that, I love it. But it also stands for the darkest of horrors.

I went into service in 1971 because my draft number was 41.

Heinlein said slavery is not made more appealing by calling it Selective Service. I agree, mostly; however conscription levels the field. Without conscription, the white and the rich would not have protested so loudly as they (we) did, and the Viet Nam war would have gone on much longer.

During my last year in college I signed up for a term in the Peace Corps. My wife and I were going to Mysore (a state in India, since renamed Karnataka) to teach horticulture. It was a good fit, since I was an anthropology major specializing in South Asia, and a farmer’s kid. It was also a chance to learn an Indian language beyond my college Hindi, and get a taste of fieldwork before I committed myself to a Ph D. program.

Then Nixon did away with the Peace Corps deferment. The Marines were drafting, so I joined the Navy. I wasn’t trying to avoid death; I was young enough to foolishly assume I wouldn’t get killed. I just didn’t want to shoot anyone who was defending his homeland in a war that never should have started.

Four years later I was a civilian again, the Viet Nam war was over, and the general opinion had shifted. Most Americans had come to realize that the war was a mistake.

Thirty years later Bush Two sent troops in to find weapons of mass destruction that never existed, as if we had learned nothing.

I am a veteran; I believe in defending my country against real enemies. But when I see starry eyed children who can’t wait for their chance to plunge into battle – well, pardon my lack of enthusiasm.

41. Not Here

220px-Allt_a'_MhuilinnAll this week’s posts revolve around Veteran’s Day. Although this poem has the feel of historical Scotland, its intentions are universal. Those who die young and those who grow old, each have their regrets, and their own story to tell.

Not Here

Not here,
Not in this ditch,
Not in this lowly, stinking place.
Not here,
Not in a skirmish,
Twenty men a side
and mine the only death!
To die here, so close to home,
Fallen from this great march
That will carry you to the lowlands.
Gone too soon;
You will forget me before the battle begins.

Not here,
Not where she can see me.
I was a man.
Her eyes told me that I was,
Her sidelong looks — her little smile;
If I had known . . . no!
If I had known, it would have made no difference.
The fire was kindled in us both.
I heard only her moans,
Not the footsteps of her husband.
Not here.
Not like this.
Not pinned to the ground by a peasant’s fork.
Ridicule!
A death so small that only breeds a laugh.

Not here.
Not on this great field of death,
Where my own passing is made small
By the multitude around me.
Here is no sadness for a dying friend;
Sadness is too small for this arena.
Though I lie speechless,
My mouth stopped with dung
From a thousand frightened horses,
Yet I cry out,
“My death is bigger than all this.
I am not just another soldier,
My eyes to be food for ravens,
My body food for worms.
My death is huge!
The whole earth should tremble,
The sky should darken,
As my sky darkens,
Darkens  . . .”

*****

Fifty years have passed
And only one still lives.
Alone and nearly sightless,
With withered limbs and palsied hands.
An old man now, forgotten, lost,
Since newer battles have been fought by younger men.

Alone tonight, his ancient wife
Full two seasons sleeping in the ground.
Narrow bed, in narrow room, and cold.
Yet, at midnight,
On this twenty-eighth of May.
He rises up and staggers to the door
To watch the ghosts go by.

Fifty years ago tonight they gathered
Around the peat fire in old Duncan’s house,
And laughed and drank and lied about their courage;
And when the morning came, gathered up their weapons,
And their youth in their own hands.

Reece, the first to fall, so tall;
His hair so yellow that would soon be red with blood.
Not ten miles from his home he fell, and was forgotten.
Then old Duncan died, a man made young,
For just a moment,
By a girl who laughed and flashed her eyes,
And cut his purse while her husband pinned him to the ground.
Then Sandor, Naill, Kenneth, and the rest;
Twenty-one went out
But only eight came home.

And now the ghosts have passed him by.
The old man hears
The echo of their feet
Trading softly on the turf.
Fading into distance, and he cries . . .

“All the good deaths
now are gone,
where is the glory
where is the song?”

Filler

No post today, as usual, but . . .
Most of my writing life has been spent telling tales of the World of the Menhir. Today a dragon that escaped the fall of Whitethorn returns, a generation later, in the short story The Best of Lies, over in Serials. Drop in and enjoy.

40. Names From the Past

Original_ouija_board

The boy in the tower, remember? From the last two posts? His name? I’ll take you there by way of a side trip.

In 1965 I was a Fleming Fellow. I can be reasonably sure you’ve never heard of that, but it is a wonderful program. Every year from four to seven juniors from Oklahoma high schools are chosen to spend the summer teamed up with doctors from the Oklahoma Medical Research Foundation, essentially as research interns.

We were housed boarding house style with a local family, where one of my young colleagues promptly found a girlfriend, Dixie Margaret Peacock-Van Tyle. I wouldn’t share her name after all these years, but it’s just too good to resist. She was pretty, vivacious, and a lot more worldly than we nerds were.

One night as we were all sitting around the living room, she brought out a ouija board and we had a seance. All our hands were on the planchette, but Dixie was the one who interpreted the results. The board told us of past lives, and when it came to my past, the board spelled out TIDAC. Tidac, Dixie said, was a fourteenth century prince of Normandy. Then it spelled out JAVERNAN. Javernan was a sixteenth century French sorcerer.

I was a kid from nowhere. At home, I had to keep my opinions ruthlessly suppressed. I worked constantly, on the farm and on science projects. I had no real interests except for getting-the-hell-out, and getting on with my life. I had no girlfriend, not because girls didn’t like me, but because I refused to let any entanglement interfere with my escape.

Considering my real life, being a prince and a sorcerer in previous lives was a big deal. I went to bed that night with a smile on my face that has really never faded.

Thank you, Dixie, wherever you are. You brought some romance and whimsy into my life.

The boy in the tower became Tidac, and when he grew to be a man, the first friend he made was named Javernan.

39. Into the Valley

220px-Langaa_egeskov_rimfrostIn 1972, I was working as head surgical technician in the dental service of a naval hospital. We did quite a bit of exciting work, but the day to day routine consisted of assisting in the extraction of impacted wisdom teeth.

The next day after the vision of the young boy in the tower (yesterday’s post), some unfilled appointments left me with a couple of hours to kill. I sat down and wrote the first chapter of what would become a fantasy series.

I typed the last period on the last polishing of that story in June of 2013.

Mark Twain said of a writer starting a novel, “. . . in the beginning he is only proposing to tell a little tale; a very little tale; a six-page tale.”

In 1972 I had no intention of writing a novel, much less becoming a novelist, but the boy’s story already had me by the throat.

In that first chapter, which I wrote there in the dental office, Marquart, the boy’s father, comes in on horseback (kakais came later), in midwinter, to take up his new lands in the Valley of the Menhir. His new wife is with him, pregnant with the boy. They are seen by Harthka, wife of a free forester and, as they pass on, we follow her to her crude, hidden dwelling. She is followed by a ‘shifter (only a simple werewolf in this first iteration) who attacks her. She is saved by her husband Amon (later Amyn, to avoid confusion with Amon Ra).

A simple story, and very medieval at first. Everything would grow, deepen, and morph as the fantasy elements crystalized, but I did not know that in 1972. I did realize, as I wrote that first chapter, that when Marquart was killed, the boy would flee to the hills, would be found and raised by the forester Amyn, and that those years would be the making of him.

I also knew the boy’s name, which I will share next post.

A young marine knocked on the door. I put the papers aside, called the oral surgeon, and went back to work. That night I took the chapter home and filed it away, where it would lie fallow for the next five years, then re-emerge to blow a hole in my career.

More next post.

38. Sidetracked by Mark Twain

200px-Beowulf.firstpageMark Twain said:     (see posts 18, 19, and 20)     “(In the beginning a writer) has no clear idea of his story; in fact he has no story. He . . . can only find out what it is by listening as it goes along telling itself . . .”      

Been there; done that. Spirit Deer and Jandrax presented themselves to my typewriter with reasonable speed and ease. My third work, Valley of the Menhir, was a kakai of a different color.

          (Kakai – the native riding beast of the World of the Menhir.)

VOTM actually came to me about three years before I had any idea of becoming a novelist. I was stationed at a California naval base and my wife was with me. She was working at the base library and taking a reference librarian class at a local junior college. I took it with her, for company. One night in the college library, waiting for her to finish her work, bored, I took down a copy of Beowulf. I opened the book and the words “all that lonely winter . . .” jumped out at me.

I slammed the book shut and put it away. I didn’t know what part of the story I was in, or what the actual context was, and I didn’t care.

I had had a vision of a young boy in the open window of a stone tower, looking out across a leafless, snow bound landscape. He was newly an orphan. The master of the tower had saved him, but in doing so, the boy had become captive to his world’s expectations. He would now have to spend his childhood in preparation for gaining revenge on the slayer of his father. But he wanted no revenge. His only feelings for his cold and distant father was a vague fear, even now that he was dead.

I wasn’t a novelist yet, but I knew a story when I saw one. I didn’t know I would still be haunted by it forty-some years later.

More next post.

37. Fantasy, Whatever That Is

220px-Mårten_Eskil_Winge_-_Tor's_Fight_with_the_Giants_-_Google_Art_ProjectIt has been a grand ride.

Since I started reading science fiction in the late fifties, I have seen the rise of Amber, Witch World, the Dorsai, the Lensmen, LeGuin, Zelazny, Ellison, Varley, Ballard, and hundred of others. I was there for the Tolkien revival and the revival of other fantasy writers under Ballantine.

Through the years, avid readers waged war on one another over the most trivial of notions, just like any other family. If you called science fiction “sci fi” (never mind SyFy) you were beyond the pale. You had to call the genre science fiction, or maybe SF; but then you had to argue whether that stood for science fiction of speculative fiction or . . . I’ve forgotten what the lesser contenders were.

Mimeograph and USPS were the internet of the early sixties. Whole forests went to the pulp mills to make paper to support arguments about what was or was not science fiction, whether fantasy was worth considering, and where one ended and the other began. Then Heinlein published Glory Road and sent shock waves through the SF community by landing with one foot squarely in each camp.

I mention all this because, although my publications so far have been science fiction, I have spent more time and taken more satisfaction writing fantasy. I’ll spell that out in the next few posts. Most of those works remain unpublished, but you can see some short stories in Serials.

Today, everything goes, but you still have to declare your allegiance. I recently dealt with a publisher who required that you shoehorn your submission into one of about forty SF/fantasy sub-categories.

All of this is probably subsumed under Clarke’s Third Law, “any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.” Put another way, the Creation as given in Genesis is fact, allegory, or fantasy depending on whether you are a fundamentalist, a religious liberal, or an atheist.

Put still another way, if it tastes like fantasy, it is (for you) and if it tastes like science fiction, it is (for you).

36. Halloween 1988

I wrote full time from 1975 to 1983, starved out, and took a day job that continued for the next twenty-seven years. I became a teacher in a small middle school in central California. In 1988 and 1989 I began writing again, using that experience in the novel Symphony in a Minor Key (see yesterday’s post). This is Neil McCrae’s Halloween from that book.

220px-Clarke-TellTaleHeart“What is Frankenstein’s favorite food?” Lisa Cobb asked.

Neil looked up from his desk to see that she was in tutu, tights, and dancing shoes. She was taller than the average sixth grader with more maturity in her face but still flat chested, so she looked the part of a ballerina. For the last several weeks she had been coming in to spend the time before school in Neil’s room, but she rarely approached him. She just hung around with her friends Sabrina and Elanor.

Neil said, “I don’t know, what is Frankenstein’s favorite food?”

“Hallo-weenies.”

Neil grinned and she ran off, pleased with herself.

Not since May, when Neil had first come onto the campus, had it seemed so different from a high school.

Neil found that he did not miss the feigned world-weariness of his high school students at all. He missed their conversations, and he missed the sense of camaraderie that came of teaching near-adults, but they were too staid. In their own way, following their own values, high school kids were as puritanical as any Pilgrim that ever rode on the Mayflower. Peer pressure was like the rule of the church patriarchs, looking over every shoulder, examining every action by the yardstick of current fashion. Everything not required was prohibited.

These children were in a different kind of transition. Their teachers encouraged them toward maturity, and most of the time they conformed. But on Halloween, they were all seven years old.

When the bell rang, the students came in reluctantly, and Neil chose to overlook their tardiness. He also raised his voice and spoke over their conversations while taking roll, rather than try to quiet them. Then Neil sent Greg and Rosa to close the drapes and a hush of expectancy came upon the classroom.

The drapes let in only a little light, certainly not enough to read by. Neil opened his desk drawer and took out a pair of candles on matching brass candlesticks that he had borrowed from Pearl. He lit them. He moved them so that they threw his face into harsh relief and projected his shadow, huge and menacing, on the wall behind him. He opened another book and read:

True! — nervous — very, very dreadfully nervous I had been and am; but why will you say that I am mad?  The disease had sharpened my senses — not destroyed — not dulled them. Above all was the sense of hearing acute.  I heard all things in the heaven and in the earth.  I heard many things in hell. How, then, am I mad?  Hearken!  and observe how healthily — how calmly I can tell you the whole story.

He read The Tell-Tale Heart through to its grisly conclusion, timing himself by the clock on the back wall so that he reached the denouncement when the narrator cried, “. . . tear up the planks! here, here — it is the beating of his hideous heart!”, just half a minute before the period ended. For those long seconds after he had finished, the classroom was tomb silent.

Then the bell rang.

Half the students leaped to their feet screaming, then broke into laughter, and went out for their break repeating juicy bits of the story to one another. Neil sat back with a feeling of satisfaction, mixed with amusement at his own self-indulgence.  There was a lot of theater in Neil McCrae, but he kept it on a tight leash. Once in a while, though! Just once in a while it felt good to cut loose.

35. Symphony in a Minor Key

Symp iamkNot every book is written to sell. Imagine a book about a year in the life of a person who just goes to work every day and does his best. No car chases, no drug lords, no shootouts, no steamy sex. Its chance of publication – pretty close to zero.

Nevertheless, some books have to be written.

1986-7 was my best year as a teacher. I had gotten through the rocky couple of years that every teacher experiences in the beginning, and I had a nearly perfect class of kids. The cute, the clever, the interested and interesting came in numbers well above average, and there were very few pain-in-the-pinfeathers turkeys.

I hadn’t written a novel since I started teaching because there had been no emotional energy left over. When summer came after that nearly perfect year, I was ready and I wanted to write about teaching.

I wanted to write honestly, so the first thing I had to face was the Big Lie of education fiction. The most unbelievable thing about Kotter and the Sweathogs was not the teacher’s complicity in their nonsense, but the fact that there were only fifteen students in the room. I was accustomed to teaching about 200 students a day – six periods of thirty to thirty-five students each.

The second barrier was that I had been teaching sixth grade. Education fiction always takes place in high school so the teacher and his students can have a semi-adult relationship. I didn’t want that. It wanted to write from my own experience, for practical reasons and because I find middle school children endlessly fascinating.

I also needed a hook and a theme, something to give unity and meaning to my protagonist’s efforts and provide a background against which his daily efforts could be measured.

There is a facet of teaching you probably haven’t thought about. Everyone is aware of teachers taking sexual advantage of their students, and rightly abhor it. However, not every accusation is honest; students do sometimes lie. I have no sympathy at all for offenders, but it remains true that every male teacher lives in fear of being falsely accused.

I decided to make my protagonist, Neil McCrae, a high school teacher who is falsely accused of sexual misconduct. He is acquitted, but parents do not believe the acquittal. He moves out of state and takes a job teaching sixth graders (made believable by details I won’t give here).

Neil’s personal rehabilitation makes half of the story; the other half is a complete and accurate picture of a year in the life of a sixth grade class.

From my real school, I ordered two full sets of the paperwork I normally use to run a class. One set was for fall, the other set was used to build a virtual school. I produced a calendar, complete with holidays, parent-teacher nights, school productions and all the things that would have been on a calendar for my actual school. I drew up a set of lesson plans for the year. I made a list of students, with thumbnail biographies. I drew a room plan, and a campus map.

I decided to make Neil an English teacher and give him two three-period blocks. That’s rare, but not unprecedented. It meant that he would have only about sixty-five students, which would be easier for him and me to manage. It gave him two groups to play off each other, and also portrayed, in reduced form, the boredom by repetition that plagues school teachers.

During my last year before retirement, I taught six identical science classes every day. No one is good enough to make that work in a novel.

I put Neil’s school at the north edge of Modesto, California, where an almond orchard existed in the real world, and only rewrote the rest of the area slightly. For example, an abandoned motel in the real world became migrant housing in the novel.

I did the setup work at the end of my school year. I spent most of the summer in Europe, then began writing in earnest, and continued through the 1988-9 school year, with the intention of finalizing and polishing Symphony in a Minor Key the following summer.

My conceit was to make every day in Neil’s world match my world. Every rainstorm in my world would also occur in Neil’s. That turned out tragically differently than I could have expected.

On January 17, 1989, in Stockton, Patrick Purdy opened fire on a school yard full of children, killing five and injuring thirty more. It was only thirty miles from Neil’s imaginary school, and fifty miles from my real one.

Symphony in a Minor Key was more than two thirds finished at the time of the tragedy, and I had to decide whether to abandon my plan to mirror reality. I didn’t; I went on with the plan. Neil’s world, like mine, skidded out of its normal path for a while. Neil was sharply reminded how precious his students were, and so were the rest of us.