Tag Archives: memoir

81. Whiter Than White

Today is Martin Luther King day, separated from Black History Month by two weeks. I plan to combine them into a six week period devoted largely to black/ethnic history. Non-related posts will intervene – Jan 27, for example, gets special treatment as the anniversary of the Apollo One fire. Most of the posts, however, will be on ethnic subjects.

Why so much time devoted by a white guy in a blog largely about writing science fiction? This post and next Monday’s will explain.

Whiter than White

I loved my father. Whatever else I say, don’t lose sight of that. He was a good man by the standards of his day, but that day has passed. He wasn’t a racist by the standards of his day. By today’s standards, he would be.

Of course he changed over the years, and if he were still alive, he would still be changing. We all do. But I am thinking of 1966. When Negroes (people didn’t use the words black or African-American yet) marched in Selma and elsewhere, my father shook his head in dismay and said that if the troublemakers would just leave the good colored people alone, everything would be fine.

If that shocks you, let me offer a taste of history – at that time, most of the country agreed with him.

I didn’t have an opinion yet. I had never met a black person. There was one black man who farmed somewhere in the area. I saw him go by in his pickup once in a while, but that was as close to a black person as I had been. (See post 46.)

I had never met a Jew. I had never met a Spanish speaker, nor an Italian, nor a Mormon. Certainly not a Muslim; actually, I had never heard of Muslims. There was one Catholic boy who attended our school briefly. He wasn’t well treated and he didn’t stay.

You get the picture. Not just white – WHITE. And not just Protestant, but Southern Baptist. And not just Southern Baptist, but small-town-Southern-Baptist; not like those liberals down in Tulsa. There were so many Baptists in town that the local high school didn’t dare have a prom. No dancing was allowed.

There were just a few families in the town, each one much like the other. You couldn’t throw a rock in any direction without hitting a Logsdon, or a Logsdon’s inlaw.

But then those black people went marching, and were met with clubs and dogs and firehoses. And when my father (and everybody else’s fathers) said it was their own fault, I couldn’t buy it. When I saw them bloodied and beaten, yet standing firm for freedom and dignity, I knew they were right and we were wrong.

When they fought for their own freedom, they also gave this Oklahoma white boy his freedom. They gave me a new way of looking at the world, and I am grateful to this day.

73. Your Own Language

    YOL 1 Welcome to 2016. I have been dense-packing this website with nine posts per week since mid-2015, in support of the upcoming release of Cyan, the novel which signals my return from the graveyard of forgotten writers.
     Science fiction readers tend to be closet or would-be writers themselves. With that in mind, the next eight posts in A Writing Life will be an unabashed how-to series.

Your Own Language
first post of 8

I have spent the last fifty-five years perfecting the ability to write in a dead language – grammatical English.

Before you close me out without reading further, let me assure you that I fight back against English grammar as much as anyone else who deals with it daily. The grammar books of my childhood and youth were of little use in learning to write well; the ones I saw during my years as a teacher were positively harmful. Most of what they taught needed to be unlearned to avoid becoming a mental cripple.

I have come to these two conclusions about English.

  • Those who slavishly follow grammatical rules end up sounding like pretentious fools.
  • Those who ignore grammatical rules end up sounding like ignorant fools.

As Kirk said to Spock, the truth lies somewhere in between.

I grew up on a farm outside a tiny town in Oklahoma. The version of English my people spoke did not follow Strunk and White, but it still had rules. You would never say to a friend, “Y’all come over after work.” Only ignorant Northerners said that when mocking us. You would say, “Come over after work,” or, “Would you like to come over after work.” In the South, you is second person singular and y’all (you all) is second person plural, a grammatical nicety far superior to the way standard English collapses singular and plural into a single word.

It wasn’t standard grammar, but it was grammar nonetheless, and if you didn’t follow the rule, you looked ignorant.

If I had planned to be a farmer, I would simply have talked like everybody around me. It is a valid dialect, capable of great expressiveness. But I had decided to go to college to become a scientist, so I had to master standard English.

Try that is a tiny town in Oklahoma in the fifties. I dare you.

Fifty-some years, two master’s theses, and many novels later, I’m still working at it. Here are some of the things I’ve learned along the way.

  • There is no such thing as Standard English.
  • What I took for Standard English and spent a lifetime mastering was only a snapshot of a continuously changing scene.
  • The language I made my own, has largely disappeared.
  • What typically passes for English today is as chaotic as a bowl of alphabet soup, but . . .
  • If you choose a typical passage written in 1950, or 1900, or 1850, or 1800 it will be equally chaotic.
  • Chaotic or not, readers read and understand the writing of their own era. And pay for it, if it’s interesting or exciting.
  • Generally speaking, so-so writers make more money than really wonderful writers, if they are also excellent storytellers.
  • You have to create your own version of English.

Prince of Exile, 1, introduction

Welcome back to Serial in its normal form. I did not want my fantasy short story Prince of Exile broken up by a change of year. Beginning tomorrow, it will appear in eleven additional posts, with this post as an introduction.

I have been writing fantasy of one kind or another since the beginning. In 1972 I wrote the opening lines of Valley of the Menhir, (post 39) three years before I decided to try my hand at novels. Most of the fantasy I’ve written has been in that universe; the Land of the Menhir has become almost a second home to me.

This story stands separate and a lot further along the continuum from medieval to mythical. It takes place adjacent to a land of Kings and barmaids, and in that land at the same time – sort of. The Prince is more than a little hard to pin down.

The initial rush of emotion that told me I had a story crying to be written came when I first heard the Doors’ performance of Celebration of the Lizard on their 1970 album Absolutely Live. When I heard . . .

Brothers and sisters of the pale forest
Children of the night
—–
Tomorrow we enter the town of my birth
I want to be ready.

. . . I knew I had to take those words, absorb them, transmute them, and bring them back again. The story that emerged did not contain the words of the poem; nevertheless, they are its genesis and essence.

(Pardon the brevity of the quotation; I am punctilious about not stealing other artist’s words.)

Two other fragments were necessary to this story; I am a fan of Michael Moorcock and of Elric, but Stormbringer always repelled me. In part 2, I decided to offer my anti-Stormbringer in rebuke.

The second fragment comes from childhood, from a book called Wild Animals I have Known by Ernest Thompson Seton, which I bought when I was about twelve. In one of his stories, all based on real events, Seton says, “Every true story ends in death.” Or so my mind constructed his meaning; I still have the book, but I have never since been able to find the passage that affected me so deeply. Most likely, I had rebuilt his actual words, “The life of a wild animal always has a tragic end,” which is a subtly but critically different observation.

Over the years, while recognizing the reality of Seton’s statement, whatever words he actually used to convey it, I have also come to realize that the opposite is equally true. No action, for good or ill, ends with the actor’s life. All the things we do have reverberations that long outlive us. In other words, “No true story ever ends.”

In Prince of Exile, I finally found the right place to use that conundrum.

You might guess from the length of this introduction that Prince of Exile is something special to me. I may be my favorite among all the things I’ve written. Although it would be hard to rank Prince above something I’ve spent years polishing, at least pound for pound it ranks first.

There is one flaw in the story, which I have no intention of fixing. If you were to read it cold, you would  expect to find that the prince is the king’s son. No. The King is a king; the Prince is the prince. Not related the way you would think at all. Logically, I should change one or the other, but I can no more do that than Ursula LeGuin could change Ged’s name because someone might think she meant God. Anyway, structural flaws don’t mean so much in a story that comes from this deep.   Prince of Exile begins tomorrow.

71. New Year, New Century

DSCN4794The end of the year is my favorite season. Whether you are Christian or not, the story of the birth of the Christ child is also the birth of hope, the birth of joy, and the birth of innocence. We need all those things in our world. I have come to love this season more now than I did when I was a child.

Add a sense of the world’s renewal at the turning of the year that comes to us from the pagan roots of our Christmas festivals, and it all becomes pretty magical.

I have already spent time celebrating the year’s end as we Westerners see it. Now, on the last day of the year, I would like to turn toward the East, to a land beyond the land of the Magi.

*****

Rabindranath Tagore is a Bengali writer who won the Nobel prize for literature in 1913. He is largely unknown in America, and for good reason. His work is hard going – not because of difficuty of language (there are plenty of translations), but because it is the product of a spiritualism that is beyond the American norm. America loves it’s gurus; we all know that. But the ones who make it here tend to have a gift for sound bites, an easy pop-psych message, and a face the camera loves.

Tagore was glitz free.

When I was studying Anthropology, my subject area was South Asia. I ran across Tagore’s poem Sunset of the Century in a textbook, and was so taken by it that I quoted part of it when I wrote A Fond Farewell to Dying, and quoted it again as the sub-title of this website.

At sunset, December 31, 1899, Tagore looked at his land, crushed under a hundred and fifty years of British domination, and looked forward to the new century which he hoped would bring India its freedom.

Here is the excerpt I quoted in Fond Farewell:

Be not ashamed, my brothers, to stand before the proud and the powerful.
With your white robes of simpleness.
Let your crown be of humility, your freedom the freedom of the soul.
Build God’s throne daily on the ample bareness of your poverty.
And know that what is huge is not great and pride is not everlasting.

That last line is probably my favorite quotation of all time. The complete poem is in today’s Serial post.

70. The War is Over

240px-Wildfire_near_Cedar_Fort,_Utah Every era has its terrors. Throughout my childhood in the fifties I was deeply aware of the likelihood of nuclear war. I was fifteen during the Cuban missle crisis. When I went to college, Viet Nam was well underway.

As I mention today in Serial, I tried my hand at folk music. I even wrote a song, which no one has heard for the last 45 years. I wish I could call it the melancholy thoughts of youth but, sadly, it’s still spot on.

The War is Over
Syd Logsdon

Now that the last war is over
Now that the violence is done
Search through the rubble for mourners
You will find — not a one.

Now that the green grass is dying
Now that the trees are stripped bare
The sounds of the forest are silent
The brooks have no laughter to spare.

The moon still hangs sad and silent
The stars fill the heavens with light
The sea rolls so dark and so lonely
Over cities where ruins now lie.

Look for your friends in the mountains
Or your enemy’s spoor on the plain
Run through the corridor shelters
Seek a companion in vain.

Cry out your soul for a songbird
But none will answer your call
Search for your friends and your loved ones
But they’re gone — one and all.

Search for the one called the victor
Through the still smoking rubble and ruin
Now that the violence is over
Now that the war has been won.

Innisfree

hiatusYeats is one of the great poets of the English language and The Lake Isle of Innisfree is among his best known poems. I was introduced to it through folk music.

I arrived at college just at the end of the folk era. It had basically passed me by in my country-western Oklahoma life, and I was hooked as soon as I discovered it. One of my roommates had been in a high school folk group in Minnesota. He quickly found a girlfriend who could sing (beautifully) and a fellow guitarist, and started playing in the local coffee houses. I borrowed his tenor guitar to learn on, then got a six string, and I was just getting reasonably good when folk music disappeared overnight and psychedelic rock became the rage. Timing was never my strong suit.

My roommates and I were always short on cash, so we shared our stash of records. One of my favorites was Hamilton Camp’s Paths of Victory, but it went with my roommate when college was over. Camp took Yeat’s Innisfree and wrote music for it, and a sweeter song was never sung – at least until Judy Collins sang it a cappella to his music a year later.

This is one of the two or three songs I catch myself singing whenever I am alone and can harm no one. Chances are you already know the poem, but I suggest that you Google judy collins innisfree and hear it sung on U-tube. Or, if you are old enough to enjoy an early Dylan sound-alike, Google hamilton camp innisfree.

  It isn’t hard to find. Clearly, I’m not the only one who loves it.

The Lake Isle of Innisfree – William Butler Yeats – 1892

I will arise and go now, and go to Innisfree,
And a small cabin build there, of clay and wattles made;
Nine bean-rows will I have there, a hive for the honey-bee,
And live alone in the bee-loud glade.

And I shall have some peace there, for peace comes dropping slow,
Dropping from the veils of the morning to where the cricket sings;
There midnight’s all a glimmer, and noon a purple glow,
And evening full of the linnet’s wings.

I will arise and go now, for always night and day
I hear lake water lapping with low sounds by the shore;
While I stand on the roadway, or on the pavements grey,
I hear it in the deep heart’s core.

*****

During this last week of the year, I’m taking a hiatus, sort of, by placing some of my favorite poems instead of things I have written. My fantasy short story Prince of Exile will begin here the first full week of next year.

68. Nostalgia

Dec 25thAs a sort of disclaimer, let me assure you that Christmas Day, and the season that precedes it, is my favorite time of the year. I love everything about it, but that doesn’t keep me from also seeing it slantwise.

“It’s coming on Christmas, they’re cutting down trees . . .” It seems to be a sad and bitter beginning, but Joni Mitchell’s River is all about nostalgia, and so is American Christmas in the twenty-first century.

This goes deeper than surface appearances. The obvious nostalgia is for rural life and all its simplicities – clean snow, red barns, white farmhouses and a one horse open sleigh. In reality, there is nothing nostalgic about walking to the barn in the pre-dawn darkness to face three hours of chores at five below zero. Never mind; when I see that perfect scene on a Christmas card, I want to be there. Childhood memories of frozen feet don’t stand in the way.

Christmas literature today has come to mean movies. I know that there are new Christmas books every year, but they all seem to fall into a soupy genre I can’t bring myself to read.

Among movies, the original is A Christmas Carol, in all its iterations. It stands alone, a whole genre all by itself, and there is no nostalgia in it. No one wants to go back to the age of “prisons, and Union workhouses”, cold, hunger, and early death. Instead, the story is about the change in Scrooge as he considers the horrors faced by those around him, many of which are his own fault. The horrors don’t go away, except for the few people Scrooge can help, but Scrooge himself is redeemed.

Recently, there have been a spate of TV movies all asking, “will the girl get the guy by Christmas”? I leave them with that soupy genre of books, readily available for those who can stomach them, after pointing out that they have nothing to do with Christmas.

The rest of Christmas movies fall into one category, with one masterplot. They range from silly to profound, but they all have this in common: Santa is accused of assault, or loses his memory, or decides that he doen’t want to be Santa any more, or Santa Jr. doesn’t want to take over for Santa Sr..

Santa, and/or those around him, are on the verge of losing faith, but they are saved at the last minute by _______. Choose a crisis and a salvation, and write you own screenplay.

Don’t get me wrong. I love these films; I watch them all season. They have to be really bad for me to turn one off. But what is the one thing are all these movies nostalgic about? Faith, of course, which so many people today are clinging to by their fingernails.

If Santa stands in for Jesus – and even those who wish he didn’t, know that he does – then every time Santa once again proves himself to be real, that version of Christianity which proposes a warm, loving, all seeing, yet forgiving God is reaffirmed.

Those who are afraid to doubt out loud can sit back and let Santa, acting as a stand-in, reaffirm their faith.

I’ll buy in. For another Christmas season I will set aside my unbelief and bask in the feeling that someone out there will make all things come right.

Now get out from in front of the television; Miracle on 34th Street will be on in twenty minutes.

64. ‘Twas the Season (post 2)

DSCN1839 Yesterday, I left you shivering, but I don’t want you to get the wrong impression. I didn’t hate my childhood on the farm – I loved it.

But I wouldn’t do it again for a billion dollars.

Our Christmas was not typical because we worked every day, and because my parents were committed Southern Baptists. So was I, except at the end, and even then I was a closet unbeliever. They never asked, and I never told, so even during my last two years at home I went to church three times a week, sang the hymns, prayed aloud when called upon (that was particularly hard) and lived a Godly life.

My parents appreciated Christmas, but not as the secular holiday it has become. They saw it as a celebration of the birth of Christ.

There was no Santa in our house, although no one was offended when someone sent a Christmas card with the old fellow flying his sleigh. From my first memory, I knew Santa was only a myth that other parents told their children about. It was fun to hear about Rudolph in the song on the radio, but at home we sang Silent Night and O Little Town of Bethlehem.

We had a tree, decorations, Chiristmas cookies, presents, lights, ornaments, and all the rest. But nobody came down the chimney, and the presents were labeled from Mom and Dad, or from Grandpa, but never from Santa.

We didn’t do Christmas morning anyway. We opened our presents on Christmas Eve after the evening milking and supper were over. That was a matter of practicality. Christmas morning, like every morning, began with three hours in the dairy barn.

It was still fun. One year Hallmark came out with lick and stick ribbon, and taught classes in how to use them. My mother took the class and taught me. That year all the presents I wrapped were decorated with ribbon snails and ribbon roses.

It was fun, but it wasn’t jolly. My parents were quiet people, and since I had no brothers or sisters to bounce off of, I never learned to be boisterous. Even today, when I see people cheering on their favorite sports team, I have no real understanding of why they act that way.

There was no Christmas service at church unless Christmas happened to fall on a Sunday. The business of the church, we were reminded often, was not fun and games or helping our neighbors with their troubles. A good Christian might help a neighbor in need, but the church did not. The church was in the business of saving souls, and nothing else.

If Christmas fell on Sunday, the sermon would begin with the story of Christ’s birth, but somewhere around the middle it would morph into hellfire. The only reason the birth of Jesus means anything, we were told, is because of the crucifixion and resurrection at the other end of his life.

Still, I enjoyed my life and I enjoyed Christmas. If it looks a bit grim in hindsight, at the time it just seemed normal.

Recently, PBS did a special on the Pilgrims. They were the no-fun champions of the world, ranking right up there with jehadis. As I watched, I was amused by the knowledge that it only took a couple of generations for their offspring to kick over the traces and become Baptists, because even that seemed like more fun.

Eventually, I left home for college in Michigan. The first year I was there we got the snowstorm of the century, 24 inches in 24 hours. The campus was snowed in for a week and I loved every minute of it.

The summer after, I met the girl who would become my wife. She was filled with a massive and infectious sense of joy. We were married in 1969 (post 27.  That Was My Childhood) and that first Christmas was wonderful beyond anything I could have imagined. So were the next forty-four. Likewise the forty-sixth, when it comes next week.

63. ‘Twas the Season (post 1)

DSCN1795A white Christmas – it’s a cultural heritage, even for those who never share it directly. Hawaii and Florida get their snow on TV and Christmas cards. Californians go to the mountains where the snow is cold and deep, then return home and string Christmas lights on their palm trees.

During my childhood, Oklahoma was on the border of the snowfall. We had snow, but it was rare and sparce; never fluffy, but hard and small like buckshot. We occassionally had no-school days because of snow, but not for reasons you could anticipate. An inch would fall during the night, accompanied by monster winds. Come morning, the fields would be blown brown and bare, and all that snow would be deposited in the roadways, trapped between the barbed wire fences on either side, three feet deep and impassible.

I do remember that the front yard was once covered with snow, an inch deep held up by the brown, dead grass. It was a chance to make my first snowman. I rolled snow for what seemed like hours and finally had stacked him up three feet high – a lumpy, anorexic figure with stick arms and nose, rock eyes, and a borrowed hat. Unfortunately, the whole yard was rolled bare to make my snowman.

Oklahoma in winter was brown everywhere – except where it was green. There were fallow fields, winter stripped trees, prairie grass pastures cropped close and brown by cattle, but there were also field of winter wheat. Planted in the fall and harvested in the spring, those fields were as green as Ireland throughout the winter. Our dairy cattle were grazed on winter wheat. It was a major boost to our income, but what green wheat did to their digestive output I won’t detail in a family friendly post.

For two thousand years, Christmas has been part of the agricultural cycle of the seasons. Even in the sixties, the seasons ruled our activities. In spring, we harvested winter planted crops and planted for the fall harvest. In summer, we bailed hay both commercially and for ourselves. The cattle were bred to drop calves in autumn. Through the summer they were mostly dry and needed little care, but they came into milk production just as the last fall harvest was over, and kept us working – and earning a living – through the long months of winter.

And it was work; and it was cold. The coldest I remember was five below, but zero was not uncommon. That might not seem like much, but come along for the ride.

Each day began about 4:30 when my dad opened the bedroom door and growled, “Get up!” in a voice you wouldn’t even consider not obeying. I would spend the next half hour crouched in the living room in front of the space heater putting on three layers of clothing, warming each piece individually. I don’t know why I bothered; the wind pierced to the skin within the first five seconds of leaving the house.

Morning milking took about three hours. Unlike the other seasons, I didn’t have to go get the cattle; they were waiting impatiently for the grain they would get while they were being milked. I won’t describe the process again (see post 47). The floor was concrete, deep frozen overnight, and the cold telegraphed up through thin boot soles all the way to your knees. At least when I had to walk outside, I didn’t sink; the mud-manure mixture was frozen to brown cement. When the milking was finished, my dad would drive out into the pasture to distribute hay while I stayed behind and washed up all the milking machines, strainers, and milk cans. Then it was a mad rush through breakfast and a bath (twice a day, every day, you can figure out why) in order to dress and catch the bus for school.

I loved school, and not just because I was scholarly by nature. It was warm inside.

Home in the afternoon, with an hour to do my homework, then out to the barn to do it all over again.

Every day, seven days a week, all winter. Including Christmas.   More tomorrow.

61. Christmas Potpourri

DSCN8392

Welcome to my favorite season.

But first, a word from our sponsor. My upcoming novel Cyan has been delayed. It will be out in April or May, not in January as originally announced. Because of this, about a dozen Cyan related posts had to be replaced with new, season appropriate material. All that is done now, and things are back to calm.

*****

When I was a child, I enjoyed Christmas without having the full joy of it. That came later, with marriage to the right person. On our first Christmas together, we decorated the tree on my early December birthday, and that tradition has continued unbroken since.

The season of our second Christmas the musical Scrooge came to theaters. Even though I had no VCR, I bought the tape while I had the chance. Who knew it would be around forever.

Seeing Scrooge led to reading A Christmas Carol, and that led to reading the four other Christmas stories Dickens wrote in subsequent years.

I was vaguely aware that our Christmas was an amalgam of Christian and pagan practices and, being historically minded, I sought out the details. That led me through a forest of books, which I will share tomorrow.

*****

One of the difficulties of being an underpubished writer is all the novels bubbling in your head that you fear will never come to be written. One of these is a novel of lives lost and reclaimed in and around Philadelphia in 1789, set during the Christmas season and giving a picture of Christmas before Santa was invented. As an early Christmas present this year I gave myself permission to write the Christmas Eve chapter of that unwritten novel and present it here. Unfortunately, time came too short. Maybe next year.

Instead I am presenting the Christmas section of a completed novel Symphony in a Minor Key. It tells the story of Neil McCrae, a teacher, during the Christmas season of 1989. Symphony in a complex novel, and the excerpt given only touches on surface events. Nevertheless, Neil and his girlfriend Carmen are nice people, and I think you will enjoy spending the holidays with them. Pop on over to Serial where the story starts today and runs through Christmas day.